The Puppy Button

Everyone thinks that they want a puppy. But let's face it, if you really really wanted a puppy you'd have gone out and bought one already. What you want is a Puppy Button.

It's a button installed in a convenient location somewhere in your house, which when pressed releases a puppy through a magic portal to a nice farm in the country. Once you press the puppy button you have one of god's cutest therapy methods immediately available to you. You can wrestle, play fetch, or growl at strangers with your puppy without the cost and hassle of feeding, training or cleaning up after it. With the puppy button you will be free to rub noses with a puppy and say things like "who's the cutest puppy in the world?" and "Puppy puppy doowuppy snuffers" in your cutest baby/Scooby doo voice with no shame whatsoever. Our puppies are so cute and so temporary that you won't care if they jump all over you, or your furniture to sniff your crotch or kiss you in the mouth or up your nose. Whatever the hijinx are that you need a puppy for - you're free from actual responsibility.


And when you tire of the incessant yapping and shake-a-paw, or if you are one of the idiots who actually went out and bought a puppy and realized that you no longer have a life because of your needy-ass puppy. All you need is a No-puppy button. All you have to do is press the No-puppy button and the puppy is humanely sucked back through the portal where a friendly and loving handler is waiting to feed your puppy prime rib, and pigs ears and dole out endless scratches behind the ear and tummy-rubs. You are then puppy-free again and can live your life not worrying if you will have any panties left with a crotch still attached when you get home from work.


I'm still working on the Relatives Button.

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