The Puppy Button II: Revenge of the Dogsitter

Dear Readers,

We at Proroguing Perfection regret to inform you that we can no longer endorse the "Puppy Button" (trademark pending) due to the fact that we can no longer guarantee that no puppies have been harmed by the use of said "Puppy Button" (trademark pending).

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to test a Puppy Button prototype, and I am disappointed and ashamed to admit that Puppy Buttons are not that good for puppies.

I got to spend one glorious day with one of the cutest and sweetest puppies I have ever had the pleasure to shake-a-paw with. Though I'm not sure that she really ever caught on to what I was trying to do by grabbing her paw constantly.

We spent most of the day walking around in the sun and splashing in fountains, puddles, and quite nearly ended up in a canal. What little time we spent inside were mostly bathroom breaks (for both of us) and naps. By the end of the day we were both pooped.

More so for the puppy. I guess you can take a puppy for too many walks, cause I exhausted that poor thing. Apparently after applying the "No-Puppy Button" (which we still endorse) that sweet innocent creature was suffering nausea and diarrhea. The Official Puppy Button handler (my good friend and animal shelter volunteer) assured me the puppy's sickness wasn't my fault, but I felt guilty for trying to cram a 3 months' worth of puppy-time into one day.

I would have posted this week's ago, if it weren't for the massive weight of puppy-guilt, on top of the crippling shakes of puppy-withdrawal.

Yours,
Management (G)

The Puppy Button

Everyone thinks that they want a puppy. But let's face it, if you really really wanted a puppy you'd have gone out and bought one already. What you want is a Puppy Button.

It's a button installed in a convenient location somewhere in your house, which when pressed releases a puppy through a magic portal to a nice farm in the country. Once you press the puppy button you have one of god's cutest therapy methods immediately available to you. You can wrestle, play fetch, or growl at strangers with your puppy without the cost and hassle of feeding, training or cleaning up after it. With the puppy button you will be free to rub noses with a puppy and say things like "who's the cutest puppy in the world?" and "Puppy puppy doowuppy snuffers" in your cutest baby/Scooby doo voice with no shame whatsoever. Our puppies are so cute and so temporary that you won't care if they jump all over you, or your furniture to sniff your crotch or kiss you in the mouth or up your nose. Whatever the hijinx are that you need a puppy for - you're free from actual responsibility.


And when you tire of the incessant yapping and shake-a-paw, or if you are one of the idiots who actually went out and bought a puppy and realized that you no longer have a life because of your needy-ass puppy. All you need is a No-puppy button. All you have to do is press the No-puppy button and the puppy is humanely sucked back through the portal where a friendly and loving handler is waiting to feed your puppy prime rib, and pigs ears and dole out endless scratches behind the ear and tummy-rubs. You are then puppy-free again and can live your life not worrying if you will have any panties left with a crotch still attached when you get home from work.


I'm still working on the Relatives Button.

G