I wrote this relationship contract to facilitate communication in a relationship and outline clear guidelines for behaviour within a relationship. I think I will present it to my next boyfriend before we have sex for the first time. I think its important to set clear expectations. CONTRACT
1.
Honesty: Full Disclosure past, present, and future.Any information pertinent to the maintenance and integrity of the relationship or either partner shall be fully disclosed. This includes any past trauma,present concern or future plan that may have some affect of the behaviour treatment or dignity of either partner.
a. Infringements of article 1 will be considered as lying and so can be prosecuted under Article 3 subsection A.
2.
Honour: Making Promises -Your word is your bond.
It shall be known that any verbal agreement made within the term of this partnership shall be considered binding whether or not 'I promise' is explicitly used. If at any time a verbal agreement must be broken, the injured partner shall be compensated for losses of time or enjoyment at the next possible opportunity at the appropriate personal cost of the cancelling party.
a. Infringements of Article 2 can be debated and prosecuted under Article 3 Subsection B.
3.
Respect: value, treatment and consideration.Each party shall treat the other as he/she would like to be treated in public as well as in private. Should this break down at any point the injured party shall retain the right to be compensated at the cost of the injuring party, but shall not retaliate with negative treatment.
a. automatic infringements of this rule include insults (general as well as specific), ignorance of special occasions, lying, cheating, and intentional failure to respond to direct questions.
b. any other infringements must be agreed upon as an infringement by both parties in private mediation. Both the accusing and defending party must present his/her case clearly in any manner or volume he/she is comfortable with, but must avoid infringing on Article 3 subsection A or risk forfeiting his/her right to compensation.
c. the value of compensation must be agreed upon before compensation can be made.
d. If no mutual outcome can be agreed on, the mediators must acknowledge the futility and inconsequence of their argument and drop all charges immediately.
e.. If futility and inconsequence cannot be agreed upon the parties must vacate eachothers presence for an assumed minimum of 2 hours or may extend said vacation verbally within those two hours to a maximum of one week.
f. If no resolution can then be reached expediently either partner has the right to invoke a third party mediator.
g. This contract becomes null and void if no resolution can be reached through mediation.
4. Time Considerations and Appointments: quality, and duration of time spent together Section 1: Any and all time spent in the company of eachother shall be agreed upon and will be considered as time 'together'. During such times the needs and desires of each partner shall be considered to take priority over the needs of other uncontracted company at all times except in the following circumstances.
a. medical emergencies
b. when the demanding partner is suspected of infringing on Article 3 in any way. This must be then subjected to Article 3 subsection B and if the defendant is found innocent the accusing partner shall be automatically found guilty of an infringement and compensation be reversed.
c. In the case of family, or estranged friendship. The needs of these relationships will take presidence over the needs of the partner but may not infringe on any article in this contract.
d. personal needs. Allowance must be made for the desires and space of the individual within the company of others. In such cases the needs of both parties must be acknowledged immediately and prioritized according to expedience.
Section 2: All time spent together will be assumed to prioritize quality over quantity.
a. should either partner feel that the quality of said time is compromised for any reason he/she must seek to validate a cessation of time spent together under Section 1 of this article allowing for the needs and desires of the other partner.
b. should the quality be found to be compromised and the needs of the partner found to be readily fulfilled through agreement of postponement, time together may be ceased temporarily without repercussion.
c. at no time should the quantity of time spent together be questioned if the quality is uncompromised.
d. Should the quantity of time spent together be considered to infringe on the quality of time spent together by either partner, both partners must commit to mediation and resolution of the underlying problem.
Section 3. Duration: There shall me no maximum of time spent together but the following minimums may apply when time cannot be found for quality interaction.
a. phone calls shall be considered the minimum comphensation for cancellations of physical time together. During which time resonable explanation must be given for said cancellation, within a reasonable time frame.
b. emails may be considered as a minimum compensation for missed phone calls providing that they are sent at least a full 2 days before the appointment in question. Reasonable explanation and compensation must be outlined clearly within.
c. instant messaging and text messaging are to be used to postpone only and are not to be used for cancellations.
d. repeated cancellations without comphensation are subject to discussion under ARticle 3.
Section 4: Partners cannot be prosecuted under section 3 if the following circumstances conflict with appointments or infringe on the quantity of time together: work, family, medical emergency, natural disasters, the expediant needs or emergencies of close friends.
a. close friends shall be hitherto defined as friends familiar to both parties of the same gender.
b. expediant need can be hitherto defined as medical aid, designated driving, physical backup, natural disasters or moral support in times of extreme stress or heartbreak.
c. the expediant needs of close friends found to be of the opposite gender shall be restricted to medical emergencies or natural disasters in which the opposing partner is not also in need.
5. Personal Space: Respecting the individual Section 1:The privacy of both partners shall be respected at all times. At no time will either partner seek to gain unnecessary or undivulged information about the other through anything but open conversation and direct questioning.
a. Any line of direct questioning must cease and desist if the questioned partner is made to feel accused or uncomfortable and can reasonably show that the answers have no bearing on Article 1.
b. If they cannot reasonably show that the desired information has no bearing on article one the partners may agree to a minimum one day moratorium on the question or a maximum of one week, at which time answers shall be offered in the most comprhensive manner available to both partners.
c. Any personal information aquired during the term of this contract must remain private and must not be divulged to any uncontracted person even after this contract is dissolved.
Section 2. Personal items will be respected and valued equally by both parties.
a. both parties will respect the belongings of the other and consider any insult or damage herewith as an infringement of Article 3.
Section 3. Personal Time: all time spent away from eachother can be considered as personal time and shall be respected as part of the individuals natural rights, needs and desires and shall be considered under Article 4 section 1, as well as section 1 of the current article.
Section 4. Personal Habits. Any habit that is already instated at the signing of this contract will not be subject to insult or question unless said habit worsens or immediately indangers either partner.
Section 5. The career or vocation of both partners shall be respected and priority will be given to said career or vocation should either partner wish it to be so as long as it does not contradict any articles in this contract.
6.
Love and Affection Section 1:No one shall enter into this contract without acknowledging that they can and want to comply with all articles for the purpose of partnership, communication, and understanding. Love is not a prerequisite, but it is hoped that through compliance and respect love may be facilitated.
a. Any infraction of this article can also be considered an infraction of Articles 1 through 3 as well as 5.
Section 2: Signs of affection may be public or private according to the customs and comfort levels of both parties and must be consentual.
a. the lack of public affection cannot be considered under Article 3.
b. The total lack of private affection should be considered by both partners as an infraction of this article.
c. Affection should not be expected during menial tasks or labour, but is encouraged.
d. Affection can be defined hitherto as any outward showing of appreciation. Winks, smiles, kisses, hugs, compliments, treats, and unnecessary considerations are acceptable forms of affection.
e. The physical act of sex shall not be considered as a sign of affection.
f. Any act that is claimed by either party to be demeaning or unwelcome is not a sign of affection and is subject to ARticle 3.
7. Sex Section 1 Sex must be consentual
Section 2 Sex shall be considered private and information about any sexual act between the partners shall not be discussed with any uncontracted person until after the contract has been dissolved.
Section 3 The sexual desires of both parties must be respected and considered rationally.
Section 4 Sex shall be pleasurable for both parties.
This contract is fully amendable to accommodate any further concerns of both partners. Amendments must be fully agreed upon and reasonable. This contract may be dissolved at any time with good reason as long as it is fully disclosed that one or many of the article herewith have been compromised and no mediation or resolution can be reached within the confines of Article 3.
We the undersigned do hereby declare this binding contract to be fair and equitable.
Signed: ___________ Signed: _____________
Date: ______________
G
Everyone thinks that they want a puppy. But let's face it, if you really really wanted a puppy you'd have gone out and bought one already. What you want is a Puppy Button.
when pressed releases a puppy through a magic portal to a nice farm in the country. Once you press the puppy button you have one of god's cutest therapy methods immediately available to you. You can wrestle, play fetch, or growl at strangers with your puppy without the cost and hassle of feeding, training or cleaning up after it. With the puppy button you will be free to rub noses with a puppy and say things like "who's the cutest puppy in the world?" and "Puppy puppy doowuppy snuffers" in your cutest baby/Scooby doo voice with no shame whatsoever. Our puppies are so cute and so temporary that you won't care if they jump all over you, or your furniture to sniff your crotch or kiss you in the mouth or up your nose. Whatever the hijinx are that you need a puppy for - you're free from actual responsibility.
of the incessant yapping and shake-a-paw, or if you are one of the idiots who actually went out and bought a puppy and realized that you no longer have a life because of your needy-ass puppy. All you need is a No-puppy button. All you have to do is press the No-puppy button and the puppy is humanely sucked back through the portal where a friendly and loving handler is waiting to feed your puppy prime rib, and pigs ears and dole out endless scratches behind the ear and tummy-rubs. You are then puppy-free again and can live your life not worrying if you will have any panties left with a crotch still attached when you get home from work.
