Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is!

When you've got no money, nothing else seems to matter. Last month I hit the ceiling on my credit and found myself with a nasty infection near one of my back molars.

Now if I was a blind-raving optimist, I suppose it might have been considered a blessing not to be able to eat solid foods. But after a week of soups and smoothies, my only option was to go to the dentist. But without any dental-plan or cash I was forced to borrow money from a friend to cover half of the appointment cost, and wrote a post-dated check for the rest - to be cashed 2 days after pay-day.

The kindly dentist hummed and hawed over my Xrays, told me my back molar would need to be extracted, and gave me a prescription for antibiotics. The prescription is still in my wallet, unfilled for want of extra cash. When you're broke, you'd be surprised how resilient your body is to infection. I willed myself better, cause will power is much cheaper than drugs. I hoped I wouldn't come down with anything serious this month.

But yesterday was payday, and the money disappeared quicker than ever. I had last month's bills to pay, I have credit cards to feed, and let's not forget rent, and tuition! Before I knew it there I was against the wall again, and then I remembered that post-dated check, now magically rubberized!

One of my friends has been telling me for months to do my taxes. I hadn't done them in 3 years! "You must be due a refund" she said. So this morning I walked through the rain with 3 years worth of tax-receipts and travel mug full of hope that the tax man would pull me out of the hole I've dug for myself. The accountant informed me that I was due back a total of $300 from 2007! 2008 was a total wash, and for 2009? I owe a cart load of clams. Apparently the tax-man is no longer the hero I took him for. Who'd a thunk it?

When you're broke luxury items take on a whole new meaning. Medication, coffee, and peanut butter; items formerly necessary to my well-being become luxuries I can no longer afford. When I have a few extra dollars I have to consider carefully what I'll spend them on. Last week I bought peanut butter and a loaf of bread to treat myself when I was feeling a little less "down in the mouth".

Luckily, I've inherited my mother's tendency to buy too many non-perishable goods when the money's a-flowin, so I've been living on beans, canned salmon, soup, pancakes, oatmeal, home-made syrup, rice, pasta, and the variety of veggies in my freezer. Extra cash is spent on fresh vegetables and fruit. Next week I'll splurge on some cheese if I'm feeling indulgent.

My run-in with the dentist has also made me think about quitting smoking again. Smoking is a black hole of wasted cash. I've always known this, but when the going is good- why not smoke 'em if you got 'em? Well now the going is well...not. But all I can think about is a cigarette. That cheeky little .40 cent friend of mine! Does it strike anyone else as ironic that nicotine gum costs twice as much as a pack of smokes?

So I've been reaching out to my friends alot lately, and I must truly thank them. Not only were they there when I needed some extra cash to pay for dental Xrays, but they helped me with nicotine gum, cigarettes, coffee, spending cash, and some sensible though not very helpful financial advice. My friends have been so helpful in fact that I've decided to begin a sponsorship program through my facebook page. For a little more than a Starbucks latte a day (I ain't livin' in no 3rd world country - shit is expensive around here!) my friends and family are now able to help a poor starving artist in need. I'll send much better letters and drawings to MY sponsors than anything those World Vision kids would send. Stick ME on your fridge! Write ME off on your taxes! Cause god knows I can't.

G

Winners VS Losers

Just as the peak of the Olympics Fever is breaking, I find myself pondering the affliction of competition. How much does winning matter

The more its worth to you the more you'll win.

You'll work for it. You'll put in the time doing the research, sharpening your mind and training your body for it. You'll eat sleep and dream it. You'll seek it out until you find it and nail it.
And Victory is so sweet. You're a hero. You're a samurai. You're a warrior.
People throw parades for you and shower you with riches.
You will set the bar and reach new heights of glory because it matters, it really matters to be the very best brand of good you can be.
It's the natural way. Survival of the fittest. Kill or be killed.

But how long does victory last before you're grasping at it again? How long can you rest on your laurels before you're a has-been looking for your next comeback? Is it really worth all the hassle? Who needs honour, riches and glory anyway?


Some of us are more concerned with the game than the winning. And some, don't feel like playing at all.

We're the losers. We're the spectators. We're the adoring fans.

Winners need people like us to prop them up. Make them look good. Without us, the winners are just idiots running in circles, expending all sorts of energy hopping about for no reason at all.

Who do you think drives the winner's Cadillac through the streets waving and grinning like a cheshire cat? Who do you think he's waving at? Who do you think buys boxes of cereal with his face on it? Who do you think chants his name as he crosses the finish line?

But again, I ask. Does competition really matter? If there was no one sitting in that cadillac, if there were no bouqets and medals, wouldn't traffic move a little quicker? Wouldn't I be able to nosh on my sugar-O's without being reminded that I have no chance of ever running a one-minute mile? Wouldn't I be able to read a newspaper with actual news in it? Wouldn;t men have more interesting things to talk about?

Just a thought.

G

The Dying Art of the Telephone Conversation

Ring.... ring.... ring

Hello?

Hello.

What's up?

Not too much, you?

Nothing new.

How are you?

I'm good. Things are good.

That's good.

Indeed.

So what's new?

Well I haven't talked to YOU in a while, so... this is new.

Yeah.... (prolonged silence) ... So what's new since last time we talked?

If you are like me. You have had a conversation like this recently. This has happened because, either a) you are very boring, b) your friends are very boring, c) you have been doing too many drugs to remember all of the interesting things you do, or d) you have no idea what people are supposed to talk about on the phone.

The telephone was invented a really long time ago, by a guy who is probably not the same guy your highschool teacher told you invented it. We're not sure why he invented it really. But up until a few years ago most people were pretty certain that it was invented as a substitute for human contact. You could "reach out and touch someone" without actually being seen with them, leaving your house or getting their grimy cooties on you.

When I was 14. I was convinced that the telephone was invented to keep rural teenagers from going postal on their families. Without a car, the internet, or cable, the only real connections I had with the outside world were books, and the telephone. And since books did not piss off my mother quite as much as my 2-4hr long chats with my bff, the telephone was my only link to society.

2-4 hour CHATS! Think about that. I would have enough to say about my life and the things in it that I could talk for 2 to 4 full hours every day! Now, I have trouble filling 5 minutes with interesting enough conversation to hold my own attention let alone the attention of the poor sap on the other end of the line.

WARNING! Here is where I ironically rant about how modern technology is ruining my ability to communicate effectively with actual people. Feel free to skip ahead.

These days I am constantly in touch with everyone else on the planet. I've got blogs, viral videos, instant news, TV on the internet, google, wiki-everything, text messaging, instant messaging, uplinks, downloads, and social networks 2.0. Everything is text. For some reason I've decided that it is much more convenient to communicate via text than actually speaking to people. It may just be that I'm a particularly literate person; I read everything that I don't watch on TV. I have come to the realization (after numerous unsuccessful first dates that have followed wildly scintillating MSN chats), that I am much more entertaining in text, a genre in which I can edit myself, rather than in an actual real-time conversation (Am I alone here?) But this has come at the cost of my tele-stamina. I just can't seem to make a conversation last the long haul anymore.

I talk to people for a living. I teach people to engage in conversation, so why do my telephone conversations lack that je ne sais quois?

a) I'm boring

Guilty as charged. My life has fallen into a dull monotonous loop of work, school, eat, sleep, watch TV, with sprinkles of socializing, painting, gossip, and homework. Gone are the exciting intrigues of a young teenaged life. Oh to be 14 again, when I was SO interesting and everything that happened to me was a pivotal event in world history worthy of broadcasting immediately across the wires.

b) My friends are boring.

I can only guess from the amount of information that I manage to drag out of my friends that either their lives are quite similar to mine, or they are keeping important details of their fascinating life from me in an effort to protect my fragile ego. And though I may find the contents of their breakfast titillating, they have chosen for one reason or another to keep it to themselves. Let me put it on record, guys. I can take it! Give me all the gory details! Let me live vicariously through your Baconator!

c) I've been doing too many drugs to remember all the interesting things I do.

Unfortunately I cannot afford the drugs necessary for this to be true. Life is sad sometimes. But as least I can recall almost every tedious moment of it.

d) I have no idea what people are supposed to talk about on the phone.

False. A phone call should be a brief discussion of pertinent events. You want to meet up with someone? Call them on the phone. You want to discuss specific personal issues? Call a friend up. Whenever possible personal issues should be discussed in person. If that isn't possible, have a conversation on the phone. Get it off you chest. Listen carefully to their response. Say goodbye. Something bad happened? Call 911. I hear they are good listeners.

I have quite a few friends who live far away. Sometimes they call me just to chat. It's a painful experience but I put myself through all those awkward pauses, bad jokes, and repetitive questions for one reason. I generally like these people and I would like if possible to one day get a phone call that has a purpose. I want to hear them one day say "hey, wanna get together?". That way, when our conversation hits that inevitable lull and silence washes over us like a wave of boredom, instead of thinking to myself - How much am I paying for this? or I wonder if they are picking their nose right now too - we can just be friends without the silent pressure to be interesting.

G