The Dying Art of the Telephone Conversation

Ring.... ring.... ring

Hello?

Hello.

What's up?

Not too much, you?

Nothing new.

How are you?

I'm good. Things are good.

That's good.

Indeed.

So what's new?

Well I haven't talked to YOU in a while, so... this is new.

Yeah.... (prolonged silence) ... So what's new since last time we talked?

If you are like me. You have had a conversation like this recently. This has happened because, either a) you are very boring, b) your friends are very boring, c) you have been doing too many drugs to remember all of the interesting things you do, or d) you have no idea what people are supposed to talk about on the phone.

The telephone was invented a really long time ago, by a guy who is probably not the same guy your highschool teacher told you invented it. We're not sure why he invented it really. But up until a few years ago most people were pretty certain that it was invented as a substitute for human contact. You could "reach out and touch someone" without actually being seen with them, leaving your house or getting their grimy cooties on you.

When I was 14. I was convinced that the telephone was invented to keep rural teenagers from going postal on their families. Without a car, the internet, or cable, the only real connections I had with the outside world were books, and the telephone. And since books did not piss off my mother quite as much as my 2-4hr long chats with my bff, the telephone was my only link to society.

2-4 hour CHATS! Think about that. I would have enough to say about my life and the things in it that I could talk for 2 to 4 full hours every day! Now, I have trouble filling 5 minutes with interesting enough conversation to hold my own attention let alone the attention of the poor sap on the other end of the line.

WARNING! Here is where I ironically rant about how modern technology is ruining my ability to communicate effectively with actual people. Feel free to skip ahead.

These days I am constantly in touch with everyone else on the planet. I've got blogs, viral videos, instant news, TV on the internet, google, wiki-everything, text messaging, instant messaging, uplinks, downloads, and social networks 2.0. Everything is text. For some reason I've decided that it is much more convenient to communicate via text than actually speaking to people. It may just be that I'm a particularly literate person; I read everything that I don't watch on TV. I have come to the realization (after numerous unsuccessful first dates that have followed wildly scintillating MSN chats), that I am much more entertaining in text, a genre in which I can edit myself, rather than in an actual real-time conversation (Am I alone here?) But this has come at the cost of my tele-stamina. I just can't seem to make a conversation last the long haul anymore.

I talk to people for a living. I teach people to engage in conversation, so why do my telephone conversations lack that je ne sais quois?

a) I'm boring

Guilty as charged. My life has fallen into a dull monotonous loop of work, school, eat, sleep, watch TV, with sprinkles of socializing, painting, gossip, and homework. Gone are the exciting intrigues of a young teenaged life. Oh to be 14 again, when I was SO interesting and everything that happened to me was a pivotal event in world history worthy of broadcasting immediately across the wires.

b) My friends are boring.

I can only guess from the amount of information that I manage to drag out of my friends that either their lives are quite similar to mine, or they are keeping important details of their fascinating life from me in an effort to protect my fragile ego. And though I may find the contents of their breakfast titillating, they have chosen for one reason or another to keep it to themselves. Let me put it on record, guys. I can take it! Give me all the gory details! Let me live vicariously through your Baconator!

c) I've been doing too many drugs to remember all the interesting things I do.

Unfortunately I cannot afford the drugs necessary for this to be true. Life is sad sometimes. But as least I can recall almost every tedious moment of it.

d) I have no idea what people are supposed to talk about on the phone.

False. A phone call should be a brief discussion of pertinent events. You want to meet up with someone? Call them on the phone. You want to discuss specific personal issues? Call a friend up. Whenever possible personal issues should be discussed in person. If that isn't possible, have a conversation on the phone. Get it off you chest. Listen carefully to their response. Say goodbye. Something bad happened? Call 911. I hear they are good listeners.

I have quite a few friends who live far away. Sometimes they call me just to chat. It's a painful experience but I put myself through all those awkward pauses, bad jokes, and repetitive questions for one reason. I generally like these people and I would like if possible to one day get a phone call that has a purpose. I want to hear them one day say "hey, wanna get together?". That way, when our conversation hits that inevitable lull and silence washes over us like a wave of boredom, instead of thinking to myself - How much am I paying for this? or I wonder if they are picking their nose right now too - we can just be friends without the silent pressure to be interesting.

G