Everything Under the Sun

As of my next birthday, I think I might have met almost everyone I'm ever going to meet.

Over the last few months I've really started to notice some eerie similarities between the people of my childhood to people I meet today. I've come to the conclusion that all the new people I come across are really just updated versions of someone I've met before. Therefore I now have the opportunity to make better decisions regarding new associations. I don't know why this never occurred to me before!

There was the guy who seemed really interesting until I realized all his most profound ideas came straight out of those sports movies about underdogs who always win in the end. Yeah, he's the only exception. I can't make that decision twice. But when I do meet High School Hunk2.0, all he's getting is a high five!


Then there was ThePrince O'Folly. The Prince O'Folly is so pathetic that he's almost endearing. He's always an hour late, and doesn't have a car(running... because his broke down, but he's got two in his garage); he can barely keep a job; he doesn't have a home, so he's always sleeping on your couch; he's super enthusiastic about everything for about a minute and will drop a fortune on a good party. Sometimes its hard to believe he won't ever get his shit together. Fun for a night of partying, but probably not worth taking out a mortgage for. Prince O'Folly Digitally Remastered: I gots my eye on you... I mean your IOU.

Who could forget that girl who was constantly in the middle of her very own after school special? Her life was always falling down around her ears. If it wasn't her parents, then it was a troubled sibling, or a cheating boyfriend. No fault could ever definitively be linked back to her, But I'm quite certain when the world ends, she'll be texting whoever brings it all down in the end. I know now when I meet DramaQueen the Final Chapter, to call the professionals and stand behind the police lines away from the falling debris.

There are wonderful people too. The Friend-O-Matic:there for you faster than you can say "Cake Batter";The Teddy Bear:A great snuggle, but too often forgotten on park benches; The Guru: Wax On! WAX OFF!; Zaphod Beeblbrox :deservedly the centre of the universe; and of course the World's Biggest Fan:you know who you are.


Thankyou

G




check out more funny comics!
http://www.savagechickens.com/2009/04/fortunes-fool.html

My Record Collection

For Christmas, I always ask for something I can use. Last Christmas my brother gave me a little portable record player and 3 or 4 records. The records were pretty random, a little Frank Sinatra, The Beach Boys and and Indie LP I had never heard of (but enjoyed). He painted the body white and told me I should paint it. I still haven't but I have gotten use of the little thing.

The sound isn't Hifi or anything, its a little tinny and has that aged wobbly sound, no matter which disk you spin. There's something calming and wholesome about the sound.

I'm not an avid music collector. I never have been. I went through my Columbia house phase, but during my next broke phase I copied all my CDs to my computer and sold the CDs for peanuts to cover a pack of smokes or two. I love music. However, I've never really taken music very seriously and so building a music collection has never been a goal of mine.

But when I was presented with this gift, I was presented with the task of finding records to play on it, and a record collection became necessary.

I went down to a local used record shop to see what I could find that tickled my fancy. After a brief turn of the lp section I realized I was in over my head. I do not know enough about music to know what albums are supposed to be in my record collection. So discouraged I sought out the bargain bin, knowing that the cheaper the record, the less guilty I would feel for preferring my ipod to my little music box. I no sooner found the dollar bin than I realized the purpose of my record collection: to salvage unwanted records.

I've now built a modest collection of everything from Raffi's Christmas album to the second half of The Wall. I've got a sprinkling of 80s pop, a few really good rock and roll classics, a couple folksy songwriters, a few standards, more Neil Diamond than I really should, and that one Indie album my brother gave me.

The other day I was invited to root through the unwanted bins in the basement of a record store. I nearly doubled my collection. So maybe, I'm still not the connoisseur of music that some other collectors are, but at least I listen to my records.

G

The Puppy Button II: Revenge of the Dogsitter

Dear Readers,

We at Proroguing Perfection regret to inform you that we can no longer endorse the "Puppy Button" (trademark pending) due to the fact that we can no longer guarantee that no puppies have been harmed by the use of said "Puppy Button" (trademark pending).

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to test a Puppy Button prototype, and I am disappointed and ashamed to admit that Puppy Buttons are not that good for puppies.

I got to spend one glorious day with one of the cutest and sweetest puppies I have ever had the pleasure to shake-a-paw with. Though I'm not sure that she really ever caught on to what I was trying to do by grabbing her paw constantly.

We spent most of the day walking around in the sun and splashing in fountains, puddles, and quite nearly ended up in a canal. What little time we spent inside were mostly bathroom breaks (for both of us) and naps. By the end of the day we were both pooped.

More so for the puppy. I guess you can take a puppy for too many walks, cause I exhausted that poor thing. Apparently after applying the "No-Puppy Button" (which we still endorse) that sweet innocent creature was suffering nausea and diarrhea. The Official Puppy Button handler (my good friend and animal shelter volunteer) assured me the puppy's sickness wasn't my fault, but I felt guilty for trying to cram a 3 months' worth of puppy-time into one day.

I would have posted this week's ago, if it weren't for the massive weight of puppy-guilt, on top of the crippling shakes of puppy-withdrawal.

Yours,
Management (G)

You must be dreaming

I'm a dreamer, but not in the John Lennon, save-the-world sort-of way. I don't claim to dream about the future or alternate realities. I DREAM. I go to sleep and something in my brain lights up like a Christmas tree! I envy the people who say they don't dream.

On very special occasions I have knock your socks off crazy messed up dreams and nightmares that are so vivid that the details become permanently etched in my visual cortex.

When I was about 3 years old I had a terrible nightmare that I was creeping through a large aluminum cistern filled with sleeping bats. When one of the meanest and ugliest of them awoke, he began to chase me, calling after me. "I'm gonna getchya, and when I getchya, I'm gonna eatchya!" I screamed and a hand reached out of a trapdoor in the ceiling and pulled me out just as the bat (now turned hideous bloodsucking monster beyond description) was nipping at my Mary Janes.

When I was eight, I had a dream about a soldier's ghost that desperately needed me to do something about his grave because it was under a road and that didn't rest well with him. Somehow in my dream the road was moved, and that seemed to please him. In the dream, he was haunting an old antiques shop that my mother had once brought me to in order to buy a skeleton key for our old farmhouse. Years later I told the story to a friend who said that house was well known to be haunted by a British Redcoat from the war of 1812. (Cue Twilight Zone music)

I am living proof that when you die in your dream, you don't die in real life. I have dreamt of being shot in the back, having my throat slit, drowning, and even falling out of a 20 story window and hitting the ground before I woke up. If you die in your sleep its not because of what you dream.

I've also had a dream where I was hunting an axe murderer who was terrorizing a slumber party I was having, only to find out at the end that the axe murderer was me. Imagine my surprise when I chopped one of my friends into little tiny pieces!

A couple of years ago I had the most f'd up dream ever.

I was standing in front of my highschool with some friends of mine smoking cigarettes and watching yellow buses blow by us. I had just handed a friend of mine a small piece of jewelery, a pearl on a chain that I had taken for worthless. It was an overcast day. The clouds were hanging low in the sky. My friend pointed suddenly to a black spot that appeared like a scorch mark on one of the clouds. Soon I noticed that it was no spot at all, but a massive black spider gripping the clouds with his long beetle like legs... but no, it WAS a beetle suddenly and it was spreading its black wings getting ready for flight. Then as it began to descend it morphed into a monstrous black bird with a 50 foot wingspan. As it glided towards the grounds of the school, the students around me began to scream and run in all directions. But I stood there. The bird was nearing the ground, and I could feel the wind of its great wings on my face. That's when I saw the rider on its back. I couldn't tell if it was man or woman. But you can bet the rider wore all black, and rode holding on to the reins with only one hand. The other, of course, held a gleaming sword pointed at the sky.I knew what it wanted.

I called to my friend to return the small pearl-pendant but she was gone. I turned back, and just as the bird reached the ground it morphed again into a giant black mastiff (not unlike the sort of dog that Sigourney Weaver turns into at the end of GhostBusters, except WAY bigger), the rider still perched on its back - sword in hand pointed at me, the only person still standing in the vicinity. I was more curious than scared, and as I marveled at this fact, taking pride in my own bravery, I woke up.

I've thought about what this dream may mean, but I think I'd rather not know and simply sell the idea to a heavy metal band interested in a concept for a music video. Any takers?

Sweet Dreams!

G

A Heist

So I'm walking home from the bus stop last night enjoying the quiet midnight hum of chainsaws and leafblowers revving in the moonlight. And I had to think to myself:

Why would you rev leaf-blowers and chainsaws in the middle of the city in the middle of the night?

The man with the chainsaw was not cutting any wood, but rather waving his roaring machine towards a pile of flats leaning against a shadowy wall.

The man with the leaf blower could barely find something worthy of his thundering. I saw him chasing a gum wrapper for half a block, beyond which a torrent of trash lay undisturbed before he returned to the corner again to rev his leaf-blower obnoxiously at nothing.

There was a pickup parked nearby with the city's crest emblazoned on the side and a few scattered orange pylons.

Again, I ask why its necessary to wield such obnoxious machinery anywhere near a city neighbourhood in the middle of the night. The only respectable explanation I could come up with was that these healthy young city employees were actually covering for a very noisy sort of robbery, murder or otherwise misdeed: A jewel heist perhaps, or tunnel into a nearby bank vault. Whatever the reason, I know that it couldn't possibly be that this is the hour at which city employees are paid to wave their ineffective power tools around.

G

The Puppy Button

Everyone thinks that they want a puppy. But let's face it, if you really really wanted a puppy you'd have gone out and bought one already. What you want is a Puppy Button.

It's a button installed in a convenient location somewhere in your house, which when pressed releases a puppy through a magic portal to a nice farm in the country. Once you press the puppy button you have one of god's cutest therapy methods immediately available to you. You can wrestle, play fetch, or growl at strangers with your puppy without the cost and hassle of feeding, training or cleaning up after it. With the puppy button you will be free to rub noses with a puppy and say things like "who's the cutest puppy in the world?" and "Puppy puppy doowuppy snuffers" in your cutest baby/Scooby doo voice with no shame whatsoever. Our puppies are so cute and so temporary that you won't care if they jump all over you, or your furniture to sniff your crotch or kiss you in the mouth or up your nose. Whatever the hijinx are that you need a puppy for - you're free from actual responsibility.


And when you tire of the incessant yapping and shake-a-paw, or if you are one of the idiots who actually went out and bought a puppy and realized that you no longer have a life because of your needy-ass puppy. All you need is a No-puppy button. All you have to do is press the No-puppy button and the puppy is humanely sucked back through the portal where a friendly and loving handler is waiting to feed your puppy prime rib, and pigs ears and dole out endless scratches behind the ear and tummy-rubs. You are then puppy-free again and can live your life not worrying if you will have any panties left with a crotch still attached when you get home from work.


I'm still working on the Relatives Button.

G

The Precoital Agreement

I wrote this relationship contract to facilitate communication in a relationship and outline clear guidelines for behaviour within a relationship. I think I will present it to my next boyfriend before we have sex for the first time. I think its important to set clear expectations.

CONTRACT

1. Honesty: Full Disclosure past, present, and future.
Any information pertinent to the maintenance and integrity of the relationship or either partner shall be fully disclosed. This includes any past trauma,present concern or future plan that may have some affect of the behaviour treatment or dignity of either partner.
a. Infringements of article 1 will be considered as lying and so can be prosecuted under Article 3 subsection A.

2. Honour: Making Promises -Your word is your bond.
It shall be known that any verbal agreement made within the term of this partnership shall be considered binding whether or not 'I promise' is explicitly used. If at any time a verbal agreement must be broken, the injured partner shall be compensated for losses of time or enjoyment at the next possible opportunity at the appropriate personal cost of the cancelling party.
a. Infringements of Article 2 can be debated and prosecuted under Article 3 Subsection B.

3. Respect: value, treatment and consideration.
Each party shall treat the other as he/she would like to be treated in public as well as in private. Should this break down at any point the injured party shall retain the right to be compensated at the cost of the injuring party, but shall not retaliate with negative treatment.
a. automatic infringements of this rule include insults (general as well as specific), ignorance of special occasions, lying, cheating, and intentional failure to respond to direct questions.
b. any other infringements must be agreed upon as an infringement by both parties in private mediation. Both the accusing and defending party must present his/her case clearly in any manner or volume he/she is comfortable with, but must avoid infringing on Article 3 subsection A or risk forfeiting his/her right to compensation.
c. the value of compensation must be agreed upon before compensation can be made.
d. If no mutual outcome can be agreed on, the mediators must acknowledge the futility and inconsequence of their argument and drop all charges immediately.
e.. If futility and inconsequence cannot be agreed upon the parties must vacate eachothers presence for an assumed minimum of 2 hours or may extend said vacation verbally within those two hours to a maximum of one week.
f. If no resolution can then be reached expediently either partner has the right to invoke a third party mediator.
g. This contract becomes null and void if no resolution can be reached through mediation.

4. Time Considerations and Appointments: quality, and duration of time spent together
Section 1: Any and all time spent in the company of eachother shall be agreed upon and will be considered as time 'together'. During such times the needs and desires of each partner shall be considered to take priority over the needs of other uncontracted company at all times except in the following circumstances.
a. medical emergencies
b. when the demanding partner is suspected of infringing on Article 3 in any way. This must be then subjected to Article 3 subsection B and if the defendant is found innocent the accusing partner shall be automatically found guilty of an infringement and compensation be reversed.
c. In the case of family, or estranged friendship. The needs of these relationships will take presidence over the needs of the partner but may not infringe on any article in this contract.
d. personal needs. Allowance must be made for the desires and space of the individual within the company of others. In such cases the needs of both parties must be acknowledged immediately and prioritized according to expedience.
Section 2: All time spent together will be assumed to prioritize quality over quantity.
a. should either partner feel that the quality of said time is compromised for any reason he/she must seek to validate a cessation of time spent together under Section 1 of this article allowing for the needs and desires of the other partner.
b. should the quality be found to be compromised and the needs of the partner found to be readily fulfilled through agreement of postponement, time together may be ceased temporarily without repercussion.
c. at no time should the quantity of time spent together be questioned if the quality is uncompromised.
d. Should the quantity of time spent together be considered to infringe on the quality of time spent together by either partner, both partners must commit to mediation and resolution of the underlying problem.
Section 3. Duration: There shall me no maximum of time spent together but the following minimums may apply when time cannot be found for quality interaction.
a. phone calls shall be considered the minimum comphensation for cancellations of physical time together. During which time resonable explanation must be given for said cancellation, within a reasonable time frame.
b. emails may be considered as a minimum compensation for missed phone calls providing that they are sent at least a full 2 days before the appointment in question. Reasonable explanation and compensation must be outlined clearly within.
c. instant messaging and text messaging are to be used to postpone only and are not to be used for cancellations.
d. repeated cancellations without comphensation are subject to discussion under ARticle 3.
Section 4: Partners cannot be prosecuted under section 3 if the following circumstances conflict with appointments or infringe on the quantity of time together: work, family, medical emergency, natural disasters, the expediant needs or emergencies of close friends.
a. close friends shall be hitherto defined as friends familiar to both parties of the same gender.
b. expediant need can be hitherto defined as medical aid, designated driving, physical backup, natural disasters or moral support in times of extreme stress or heartbreak.
c. the expediant needs of close friends found to be of the opposite gender shall be restricted to medical emergencies or natural disasters in which the opposing partner is not also in need.

5. Personal Space: Respecting the individual
Section 1:The privacy of both partners shall be respected at all times. At no time will either partner seek to gain unnecessary or undivulged information about the other through anything but open conversation and direct questioning.
a. Any line of direct questioning must cease and desist if the questioned partner is made to feel accused or uncomfortable and can reasonably show that the answers have no bearing on Article 1.
b. If they cannot reasonably show that the desired information has no bearing on article one the partners may agree to a minimum one day moratorium on the question or a maximum of one week, at which time answers shall be offered in the most comprhensive manner available to both partners.
c. Any personal information aquired during the term of this contract must remain private and must not be divulged to any uncontracted person even after this contract is dissolved.
Section 2. Personal items will be respected and valued equally by both parties.
a. both parties will respect the belongings of the other and consider any insult or damage herewith as an infringement of Article 3.
Section 3. Personal Time: all time spent away from eachother can be considered as personal time and shall be respected as part of the individuals natural rights, needs and desires and shall be considered under Article 4 section 1, as well as section 1 of the current article.
Section 4. Personal Habits. Any habit that is already instated at the signing of this contract will not be subject to insult or question unless said habit worsens or immediately indangers either partner.
Section 5. The career or vocation of both partners shall be respected and priority will be given to said career or vocation should either partner wish it to be so as long as it does not contradict any articles in this contract.

6. Love and Affection
Section 1:No one shall enter into this contract without acknowledging that they can and want to comply with all articles for the purpose of partnership, communication, and understanding. Love is not a prerequisite, but it is hoped that through compliance and respect love may be facilitated.
a. Any infraction of this article can also be considered an infraction of Articles 1 through 3 as well as 5.
Section 2: Signs of affection may be public or private according to the customs and comfort levels of both parties and must be consentual.
a. the lack of public affection cannot be considered under Article 3.
b. The total lack of private affection should be considered by both partners as an infraction of this article.
c. Affection should not be expected during menial tasks or labour, but is encouraged.
d. Affection can be defined hitherto as any outward showing of appreciation. Winks, smiles, kisses, hugs, compliments, treats, and unnecessary considerations are acceptable forms of affection.
e. The physical act of sex shall not be considered as a sign of affection.
f. Any act that is claimed by either party to be demeaning or unwelcome is not a sign of affection and is subject to ARticle 3.

7. Sex
Section 1 Sex must be consentual
Section 2 Sex shall be considered private and information about any sexual act between the partners shall not be discussed with any uncontracted person until after the contract has been dissolved.
Section 3 The sexual desires of both parties must be respected and considered rationally.
Section 4 Sex shall be pleasurable for both parties.


This contract is fully amendable to accommodate any further concerns of both partners. Amendments must be fully agreed upon and reasonable. This contract may be dissolved at any time with good reason as long as it is fully disclosed that one or many of the article herewith have been compromised and no mediation or resolution can be reached within the confines of Article 3.

We the undersigned do hereby declare this binding contract to be fair and equitable.

Signed: ___________ Signed: _____________
Date: ______________




G