Quitting

Yesterday I quit smoking again. I've decided to publicize my fourth attempt at it. Maybe it will make me more accountable.

This is my third attempt to quit smoking. The first attempt was quite successful. I moved to Korea and quit smoking after the first month. Originally it wasn't my intention to quit. Cigarettes are cheap as hell there. But in Korea, smoking isn't really a respectable thing for a woman to do and as a teacher, I had mine, and my school's image to consider. So I quit. I figured that since my entire life had been uprooted any way, I might as well add one more thing. It went well, as long as I wasn't also drinking to excess. So I gave that up too. Korean beer didn't suit me anyhow. I only had a few cigarettes after that for 6 months and I considered myself fairly successful.

Then I came home and fell back into old habits. Puffing those DuMaurier Extra Lights was like crawling into your own bed at night, soothing and comfortable.

November 2008 I started getting frequent discomfort in my throat and my voice started to crack occasionally. I knew it was the smoking but I also knew that at the time, I couldn't quit on my own. I enlisted my friends to join me in an attempt to quit. Most of us failed miserably in the first month - sneaking cigarettes between us, promising not to tell any of the others, so inevitably the pact fell apart.

But I felt guilty. I let myself down, and the one friend who stuck with not smoking made sure I felt guilty for letting her down. Sorry C. To atone, I quit for Lent. 40 days without cigarettes was more difficult than I thought it would be. I must admit I fell off the wagon a few times, but I was proud of myself nevertheless. My will power has always been such, that I should take the small victories where I can.

But come Easter, I was a smoker again. And now, another attempt. This time I'm going for it. I'll try everything. I've managed to score some nicotine gum, I've downloaded a variety of no-smoking podcasts and I've entered a no smoking contest.

Now my jaw hurts and I'm getting canker sores, but I haven't smoked in 2 days. I have, however, put a major dent in the peanut butter jar. Luckily, I'm too broke to even buy groceries, so once the peanut butter runs out, I'll have to turn to less fattening habits to fall back on. But for the first few days, I think my system can take a little indulgence.

More to come on this. It's a long road, and all y'all are coming with me!

G